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Hello Happy Campers..
Well just a few jokes today to amuse you .. well they have amused me.. so I decided to share the laughs not point in being selfish and keeping it all to myself..
Mwah Enjoy Love Lilli xxx
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit loops, the sweet with the hole in it.
He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:
'Red...........cherry,' 'Yellow.........lemon,' 'Green..........lime,'
'Orange........orange.'
Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes !!'
THATS WHAT THEY GET FOR EATING FLAVOURED CEREAL..LOL
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
(Written by kids)
'You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.'
~ Alan, age 10
'No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.'
~ Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
~ Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
~ Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
~ Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
~ Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
~ Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
~ Pam, age 7 (PRICELESS)
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
~ Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
~ Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
~ Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
~ Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is......
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
~ Ricky, age 10
THE INNOCENCE OF CHILDHOOD... OH FOR LIFE TO BE SO STRAIGHT FORWARD.. MWAH XXX
Jokes only understood in Scotland
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken',
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
'Fae ma knickers tae ma feet. '
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A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
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What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography ..?
Oor Wullie.
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An Aberdonian walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye, ye're right!' replies the bloke.
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Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
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After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'
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Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.
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A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, just me,' he replies.
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While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
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What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
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What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.
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How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
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A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan.'
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'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'
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Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The A Needin' Line.
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While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: 'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
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Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'
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A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' is the reply.
'Aye, same as masel...
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OH YA HAVE TO LOVE SCOTS HUMOUR... WERE PURE DEAD BRILLIANT! 'AYE RIGHT' LOL
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